8/27/08

Zombies Gone Mild

Good Evening faithful Moonies. I was just dwelling on all the things I could do in an hour. I could get some glasses made or photos developed. I could read like 4 comic books at least. I could watch a Law & Order again. I could take some time out to think about the merits of Death Race 2000 before I go see the new one tomorrow. I could buy a go cart or nine pogo sticks. I could get two Domino's Pizza delivered (OK I wouldn't actually do that).I could watch that late night infomerical twice, and sadly all of those things would be more entertaining than the hour I spent watching this flick. That hour I'll never get back, and I will always wonder what else I could have been doing.

Zombies Gone Wild (2007) starring Dave Competello, Chris Saphire, and Dominique Rochelle. Directed by G.R.
Our story starts with something we've never seen before; three guys heading out for spring break and they are wanting to find girls and get laid. Wait, you're saying that's been done before. Hmm, OK try this one. Marty is a nerd. Seen that too, eh? OK, Leroy wants to be a lawyer and his dad wants him to play tennis. Kinda familiar too, oh well, one last shot. Randy is a fake white pimp pool boy with IBS and a fascination with dirty undies and scat in general. Yeah that's a pretty good one. Sadly, its not the character I think America was looking for to warm their hearts and bring us all together.

Guys, I have a feeling those thumbs should be

going the other way.


Needless to say, the guys set out to go to palm springs for spring break. They run into "zany" characters and fart a lot. There's tons more talk about the butt, farting, and tons of sound effects to go around. Only two notable things happen in the first part of the movie. The first is that Marty has a dream about a girl he thinks is a zombie. She doesn't look like a zombie or act like one. (Unless zombies somewhere along the line got in the habit of wearing sheer shirts and showing off their nipples.) The second thing that happens is a Mexican drug dealer (the same fellow we're already seen play both Marty's Dad, a military nut, and Leroy's Dad, a ghetto Hindi Mexican hybrid.) shows up to sell them a bottle of Viagra and then a Pussy Map. Naturally the combined intelligence of our farting brethren get them more and more lost. The finally come on a small town and meet 3 hot chicks. The leader invites them to a party with her and her two cronies. One of which is a deaf mute hottie who causes one of the foulest, but possibly the funniest, lines in the movie. There's so little to enjoy in this part of the film I just can't bear to tell you what the line was. Trust me it was a shining oasis of funny in a desert of lame.

So the boys get lost again and again and run into some more wacky characters, again played by the same guy as the Dad's and the Drug Dealer. This time its a cop and a service station attendant. Now you may have noticed that I seem to be pretty deep into the movie by this point and no zombies. That's right zip, zero, ziltch, nada. I don't count the one from Marty's dream cause that looked more like a stripper than a zombie to me. Finally we get around to actually showing a zombie at the 63 minute mark. Yes, that's right 63 minutes of 101. At that moment I wasn't sure which was worse. That I had waited 63 minutes for zombies, or that I still had 40 minutes left in this clunker.


Happily things pick up from there. The head girl shows up and invites them to a pool party where each of the boys finds a gal. These girls are plenty easy. There's even one dancing and making out with a burnt up corpse and at least the corpse is appreciative and it tells her "You Dance Gooood". Everyone had a great time until night falls and all the chicks turn into zombies. A chase ensues, but in the end Randy gives himself up to the zombie hottie because.....well, because I suppose his fake pimpin' butt actually was so desperate he was gonna bang a zombie chick. To each his own I guess, but it doesn't really work out that way. Instead, Randy is disemboweled and set up like a smorgasbord. However these undead chick barely pick at his guts. I guess its true that even a zombie girl has to watch her figure. (I can hear the conversation now, "Every time I eat people it goes right to my ass.") After some fighting back with heavy weaponry that Marty's father had packed for him just in case, they run out of bullets and it looks like the end for all our heroes. There's one more strange meta twist at the end that manages to make an irrelevant film even more irrelevant.

ZGW is a movie. It had pictures, and sounds, and a soundtrack, and a title screen, and a menu. It proved that the most inept of filmmakers can manage to get their product out to the masses. It had 101 minutes of running time with over half of them devoid of the title creature, but the real problem was that the whole thing could have been condensed down to about 45 minutes to an hour and been fairly enjoyable. If you happen to want a movie that you may have enjoyed when you were twelve, then this is for you, but if you're over 18 your money is better spent on an actual Girls Gone Wild Video, or hey go all out, some porn. Treat yourself to whatever you would do with the missing hour of your life, and be glad that the good old Lightning Bug took care of this one in the lab.

Bug Rating

1 comment:

  1. You forgot to mention all that VD that you get from zombies.

    ReplyDelete

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