5/28/09

B.L.O.G Presents Evil Breed (2003) with Jenna Jameson

Hello and welcome back to the last week of May, and the last B.L.O.G. girl of the month. This month as we’ve taken a look at XXX Divas gone mainstream we’ve seen the girls succeed, Rabid with Marilyn Chambers, and try their best, Ginger Lynn Allen in Vice Academy, but what we haven’t seen yet is when the formula fails. To illustrate this we must take a look at a film starring the woman sometimes called "The Queen of Porn". 
Jenna started her porn career in 1993 with a pair of scenes with legendary porn stud Randy West. From these humble beginnings Jenna built an empire and became the face of porn for a generation of horny teens in the mid '90's. Nowadays she's often found in mainstream films such as her 2008 film Zombie Strippers, but there are some films a XXX actress might get involved in for a paycheck. The producers are looking to add to the fodder of direct to DVD releases on the shelves, and what better way to make sure your box gets noticed than Jenna gracing your cover. There's more to a film than a cover though, and sometimes inside what you find is... 
Evil Breed (2003) starring Bonnie Phillips, Howard Rosenstien, Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, Jenna Jameson. Directed by Christian Veil. 

A group of college students travel to a house in the Irish countryside to study the rituals of the ancient pagan cultures that used to inhabit the land. Once there, they are warned by the caretaker not to wander into the woods lest they want to encounter monsters and death. Naturally, the teens wander directly into the woods and sure enough there is plenty enough monsters and death to go around.

The Bug Speaks

I’m going to tell you right here, in the first line of the first paragraph of what will undoubtedly be a venom soaked but rather short review, this film is horrible. Not as horrible as say, Blown, but pretty dang close to being as bad as Isle of the Damned. For anyone who’s familiar with The Lair knows that those two pictures are the epitome of bad around these parts, and Evil Breed now gains the dubious distinction of joining those films. That being said, I am going to spoil the hell out of this film because no one, for any reason short of a threat to their lives should make themselves watch this flick. 

To explain how badly this flick goes wrong, I have a simple story to tell you, but first I must go off on a tangent. I love the NBA. It’s the only sport I ever got into watching, and for many years one of my favorite teams has been the Boston Celtics. Now we all know where the team got it’s name. There’s a leprechaun involved here after all, but surely, it is common knowledge that their moniker is a gross mispronunciation,  Selt-icks and not with the hard ‘K’ sound that is intended (i.e. Kelt-ics). If everyone knows that, then why does Bonnie Phillips’ professor with a specialty in Druids and Irish mythology proudly announce that the students are there to study the ancient Selts. 

That’s right, Selts. That’s what she says loud and clear. 

And that’s what kind of movie we’re looking at here. There is no rhyme or reason to the goings on, and the plot that is intended to be a variation on the legend of Sawney Bean, the same ground Wes Craven covered in The Hills Have Eyes, makes little to no sense. I mean I should have known what I was getting into when in the first three minutes of the film they manage to kill off both Richard Greico, oh, he of 21 Jumpstreet and If Looks Could Kill fame, and porn actress Chasey Lane. When a film opens up and they kill off Richard Greico, arguably the biggest star name attached, and then you know you’re in some bad shape. 

Then there’s the other big draw, Jenna Jameson. As you can see from the DVD cover, Ms. Jameson is front and center on the cover art, and if you could see the back of the box then you would see that two of the three stills from the film feature the porn queen. Unfortunately, these are the only two scenes she appears in. Jenna shows up once to establish she is looking for her friends (who we can assume were Greico and Lane), and then the second time she shows up to get gutted and her implant ripped out. Her total screen time, less than one minute. 

Now the plot of the film, if you can call it that, has to do with these inbred mutants coming out on Samhain to gather girls to further their genetic line. That would make great sense if they didn’t kill every girl they see! While I am no big fan of Jenna Jameson (too plastic for my tastes), it still boggled my mind that the mutant things would rather kill her off than breed with her. You’re inbred mutants for fuck’s sake, don’t be so picky. They also put an end to another porn star when Ginger Lynn Allen meets her demise. Ginger, who as you know from my review of Vice Academy, is one of my favorite X rated stars, but in this flick, she deserved to die. I don’t know who thought that letting Ginger Lynn tackle an Irish accent was a good idea, but believe you me, folks, it was not a good plan. Generously, I would say that every third of fourth word, and the occasional line, was said with some kind of accent, but for the most part Ginger sounded like she had a cold. It was horribly embarrassing and the best part of the film was when she died. I nearly cheered in joy that she didn’t have to talk again. 

I’m going to wrap this up because there’s nothing more to really say, and if I keep going then there will be a few more paragraphs of me tearing this film a new one. Now I understand that Christian Vale, the writer/director had this film taken from him after completion and almost the whole picture was re-shot. So I won’t pass any judgment on him as I don’t really feel like I saw his work. I understand that somewhere on the internets there is a bootleg copy of his cut that makes sense, has plenty of gore, and a fair amount of nudity. Perhaps someday I’ll track down his version and give it a whirl, but until I do, remember folks, you really can’t judge a DVD by the cover. What I thought would be a cheesy horror flick starring one of porn’s reigning queens turned out to be nothing more than a shiny, DVD shaped turd. Stay away from this one folks, seriously as far away as you can. 

Bugg Rating
 


No Trailer for this one. Instead check out some clips dubbed into Spanish. At least you don't have to hear Ginger Lynn's accent.

1 comment:

  1. You nailed it on this one. I watched this a few years ago with my brother. It was just miserably boring. Bobbie Phillips, who I had always kind of liked in B-movies and is in my favorite episode of X-Files, just looked like a plastic surgery nightmare in this one. Depressing.

    JM

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